I am pleased to say that my girlfriend and I are moving out of our tiny one bed flat and into a nice three bed semi. Unfortunately that means that I had to attack the tropical jungle which has taken over my garden, armed only with a fork and a bad temper. This is dangerous situation, because I am being watched by bears.
The bears watch from over the fence, they taunt me while I dig, curse them. Every time I turn around they hide, but I can hear them sniggering. They follow me to work every day. They wear disguises but I know who they are. I mean, putting a fedora and a pair of shades on a bear doesn’t make it any less conspicuous.
Then there are the phone calls and the hate mail. My girlfriend tells me that they’re “bills” but I know that they’re letters from the bears designed to enrage me. Damn them! Damn them to hell!
So I’m digging the garden and swearing at robins. I know what’s going on behind their black, beady little eyes. Their twitchy little heads flicking back and forth, people think its cute, but I know what’s really going on. They’re plotting,waiting for the right opportunity, then as soon as I drop my guard, BAM! They’ll be in the pantry buggering about with my miscellanea. MY PRECIOUS MISCELLANEA! CURSE THEM! CURSE THE ROBINS!
The government have ignored my letters about the bears and the robins and the man in my fridge who keeps sprinkling dandruff in my ketchup, but I’ll show them. I’ll move to the country and put bullet-proof vests on all the fucking badgers.
To top it all off I have a blister. Damn it! Damn my thirty three years faking illness to avoid manual work! Now I can’t use a knife and fork without my delicate skin shredding itself to ribbons.
Crap on a stick, I’m made of bloody cigarette papers! Why must fate mock me so?
Anyway, the good news is I will have a study in my new house where I can sit and work on my fantasy fiction and my journalism and the bears won’t be able to see in because I’ll have my amazing talking curtains drawn. As for my miscellanea, well, that will be smothered in robin-proof sasquatch droppings and guarded by angry bees.